The reason I haven't been blogging lately is that if I did, I would have to rename it "I Grumble, A Lot." I am in a deep funk, and really don't want to whine, whine, whine all day when there are people with bigger and more serious problems than mine. On the other hand, this is my damn blog and I am depressed and need to vent.
People, I am broke. Broke as a joke. Staying at home with Ben has been a blessing, and I know I'm lucky to have had the opportunity, and I know that I will always treasure this time, etc., etc. But I am broke. I have spent all of my savings to stay home for 2 years, and for the last six months have been totally dependent on my husband. And yes, I know, that's what a husband is for...but I don't like it. I don't like being dependent on anyone for anything. I don't like not having an income. I don't like not being able to contribute financially. I don't like having to ask for money and explain what it's for...and no, it's not like he's the CFO and I have to turn in an expense request sheet, but still it feels like I have to ask and explain. I don't like it. I don't like that I am now getting in arrears on certain things because hey, the hubs doesn't have lots of extra cash laying about either. So it stinks. Being broke stinks.
I have been looking for work and interviewing and basically nobody wants me. It feels a lot like being punished for taking time off to spend with my kid. I mean, my skillset is still the same - but it feels like I am being penalized for that time off. Also, the hubs is pressuring me to just take a job, any job. And I get where that's coming from - some money coming in is better than no money coming in. But I am loathe to do that because hey, I had a career before Ben happened. I was doing well, working my way up the compensation chain, and to just accept any job feels like defeat. It feels like I am saying that my worth diminished because I chose to be a stay at home mom. I would never ask my husband to take a $30-40K pay cut just to get a job. I mean, I get it, if push comes to shove, I'll work at Target if need be - I'm not so stubborn that I'd go bankrupt and let my kid starve or something. But while it's bad, I don't feel like it's time to admit career defeat and just accept some crap, entry-level job. And I know, how dare I complain when people are out there looking for much longer than I and would gladly accept a crap job - but hey, this is my blog and I should be allowed to complain about what I want here without worry of judgement.
And speaking of judgement, can I just complain a minute about fucking idiots on reality television who make six figures for being fucking idiots? Seriously, it pisses me off to no end that people from The Jersey Shore and Teen Mom are making bank while most of America is in the poor house. Fucking Snooki! She "wrote" a book, and the idiot masses will buy it. WTF? Who knew that stupid and slutty sold so well. Man, what was I thinking with that whole college degree and then working my way up...dummy! I should have just been a loud-mouthed, ignorant whore and I could have had it made.