Shh...SHUT UP!

Why does the f'ing UPS guy always have to drive up after I've gotten the baby to nap? I swear to all that is holy, if he rings that damn doorbell and knocks again tomorrow I am going to jerk a knot in him. And why do you need to ring the doorbell twice and knock twice? Is this part of UPS training? Between you and the Jehovah's witnesses that keep circling the neighborhood, it's like Grand Central Station on my porch. Just knock and leave the damn package on the door. You know I have a new baby, you've seen my disheveled, smelly self when I've had to sign for packages. Have a heart, and just SHHHHHHHH.

To the Jehovah's witnesses, what's with all the furious recruitment efforts of late? If I'm correct, aren't there only so many spots in heaven per your teachings? So here's a thought, if you stop recruiting, you're guaranteed a spot. If you recruit me, who's to say that I wouldn't be taking your spot? That would really suck for you.

Messy, Messy, Messy

If any other man in my life constantly vomited, peed and shat all over me, you'd think I was some sort of kinky fetishist. No, I'm just a mom. A very dirty mom. I never knew how much I'd love baby wipes. Baby wipes are the new shower.

Discount

Did anyone see the episode of The Real Housewives of New York last night? I cannot stand the Countess. OMG, I cannot believe how full of herself she is. On the episode last night, she was talking to a group of underprivileged girls (and of course going on and on about herself and her Countess status) and asking them what they wanted to be when they grow up. One girl, who was 10, said she wanted to be a model. She asked her to stand up to see how tall she is and then let her know that she had a pretty face and needed to lose weight. She said "Don't worry, you have plenty of time to grow" - and then went on to tell her losing weight is easy, don't worry. Are you fucking kidding me? Yes, the girl was overweight. But can we please have a reality check! You are a fucking Countess. You are rich. You are of the elite. Do you know anything about how socioeconomic status affects health and obesity? Clearly not. Did you need to go into this room, a place of sanctuary for these girls, a place where they are trying to build self-esteem and worth, and tell her that she needed to lose weight? Do you think she hasn't heard that before? Do you think telling her it's easy will give her the strength she needs to drop those LB's? How dare you. How sanctimonious of you. And then to go on and say, "You could tell those girls really appreciated my taking time out of my day to spend with them." Yes, how kind of you. They have learned that if you marry a Count, life is good.