I'm A Worker Bee....Again

I is alive! I would love to say that I have been doing wonderful, marvelous things this summer. But mostly I have been depressed and unhappy, and that's not fun for daily blog fodder. Thus, radio silence.

Oh, but I haven't been totally useless, I have been applying and interviewing for jobs...like it's my job (get it, get it, I's made a funny). And finally after about 9 months of searching, I have finally been found worthy of employment. Yay for me! Someone hired me. Someone liked me more than another candidate. Yay! I am very excited about this new opportunity, especially since it means a paycheck! Oh wait, I am also excited about the position. It is with a small tech company out of California, and I will be their East Coast Coordinator. Don't ask me exactly what that means because I'm not 100% sure yet. However, it will require my unbelievable customer service skills, organizational abilities, and my love of multi-tasking. But best of all, I will be doing something that is totally out of line from my background and will allow me to learn a new skillset and gain new industry experience.

Oh, and didn't I mention the kicker - travel. I start on the 5th of July and work from home for a week, and then I fly out to San Jose for two weeks of training. What did I hear when this was explained to me? VACATION! Two weeks, alone, my own hotel room. Hallelujah! This is the first real vacation I have had in two and a half years (thank you Ben). So while I will miss my little man (I'll see you on Skype buddy), and am anxious about how he and J will get on without me (it's gonna be like a cage match and only one will survive), I cannot wait to board that plane! It'll be a nice change for J to find out what it's like being me and bearing the majority of the parenting duties. I expect it shall be a life-changing two weeks for us all.

Sidenote: When J told Ben I was going back to work, he replied "Oh yay! Congratulations Mommy! Can I come with you?" My sweet little goofball.

He Did It All for the Cookie

B: Hey Mommy.
Me: Yes, Benny.
B: I have an idea.
Me: OK, what?
B: Umm...Let's have a picnic!
Me: OK. What should we eat?
B: COOKIES!
Me: Cookies, really? Sounds reasonable for 10:30 in the morning.
B: Yay! A picnicky with cookies!

Ten minutes later, cookies and milk are assembled and we are on a blanket on the floor. Ben eats his first cookie, and yummy yummy yummies. I grab my first cookie and hear, "NO! Mommy that's mine! No sharing!"

Happy Tuesday!

What 'Chu Watching?

What's up folks! Are there any of you out there? I am so random in my postings, I wouldn't blame you all for turning the page. Anywhoodle, what are you up to? I have been applying for jobs, still, and just being a bit of a lazy mom. If I were Ben, I'd fire me for not being more fun....but he's 2, so what does he know? He'll figure it out later, and can go to therapy to complain about how his mom didn't do enough art projects and such with him when he was a wee lad and stunted his creative growth. In the interim, I am proud to say that I have introduced him to the wonders of old school Tom & Jerry cartoons. He is addicted! What, you say? He shouldn't be watching so much television at his age? Yes, you're probably right. But mommy really needs to not build with blocks, race trucks and read book #984 about Thomas - so cartoons it is. And honestly, I am so glad that he likes something that I can watch and not want to poke my eyes out. Tom & Jerry is great folks, but only the classic episodes. And my kid, he is an efficianado - he knows the new crap isn't as good as the originals, and will not watch the slicker Tom & Jerry eps that Cartoon Network offers up. I take joy in passing this love of the classics on to my child. Next up, Bugs Bunny.

I have also had some free time to invest in new programming. Is anyone else out there a Fringe fan? Thanks to the lovely Beckers, I am now a total Fringe geek (or Cortexa-fan, inside joke). I troll message boards and fan blogs just to get a fix in between episodes. I haven't been this obsessed with a show since Gilmore Girls. Yes, odd reference since they are complete opposites in genre (but I digress). If you aren't watching Fringe, then shame on you! For me, Fringe is a mix of X-Files, Bones, Torchwood, Dr. Who, Lost, Inception, and so much more. The ensemble cast is amazing. And did I mention that Pacey, urh, Joshua Jackson is fun eye-candy? The writing is so intricate and layered, much like Lost, but it is just so much better. I just cannot express fully how great this show is. It is currently in its third season on Fox, Fridays at 9pm. I caught up on Season 1 and 2 via Amazon VOD, but you can find it many other places as well. In fact, you can watch the first 10 episodes of Season 1 here. Check it out!

My other recommendation is to watch An Idiot Abroad on the Science channel, Saturdays at 10pm. It is from Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant and is hilarious. If you have listened to any of The Ricky Gervais show on radio or HBO, then you are familiar with their favorite moron, Karl Pilkington. The show sends Karl to the seven wonders of the world and follows him as he tours the sites and the cultures. It is seriously hilarious, and honestly very telling of how many people view world travel (including me at times).

Okay folks, gotta run. Hope all is well in your worlds!

Sigh of Relief

I am still struggling with breaking Ben from his bottle. He only wants it with his milk, and I have given in to his demands. I am ashamed every time we're in public and he demands the bottle. I am annoyed every time my mom nags at me about it. I feel like I am a bad mom when I see all my friends kids' off the bottle and loving sippy cups or real glasses. So you cannot imagine how giddy I became when I ran across this photo...

This is Gwen Stefani with her youngest son, Zuma, at his 2nd birthday party. What's that I spy? A Born Free bottle in little Zuma's hands? Yes! Somehow I feel less like a complete loser knowing that another mother is letting her son enjoy the bottle. It must be something about those Born Free bottle! Ben loves his too. Sure, I know I still need to get him to kick the habit...but I feel a little less ashamed knowing she's waging the same war.

Pix

We did a photo shoot with APW Photography a couple of weeks ago at the Duke Gardens, and I'm happy to say that Ben was a trooper! Even though we met early in the morning for the shoot, it was still unbelievably hot. Luckily, Noy was able to get some great shots of Ben frolicking through the gardens, feeding ducks, checking out the flowers, and just sweating his pretty little blonde head off! If you live in NC and need some great family photos, please check out their site (now added to my "friends in the biz" section).

Nuggets

The joys of parenting are numerous. Let me share a recent conversation between myself and J regarding our darling son.

From bewildered me to his loving father:

I am not lying when I tell you that I just yakked in my mouth while changing ben's poop. The nastiest, messiest, smelliest diaper ever. Disgusting! It's thrown away and I can still smell it. I may burn the house down.

From his doting father to astonished me:

These are the moments that define our lives- this is indeed your finest hour. As Winston Churchill once said- "Never in the course of our history has so much been done by so few". He was not talking about beating Hitler- it was his vision into the future.... of Ben's poopy diaper. Luv U.

Ah yes, becoming a parent really expands your world. I never knew how much I could discuss my son's poop. I know you're glad I shared.

Typical

Last week was school picture day at Ben's daycare, and I have been anxiously looking forward to the proofs. Now, I must admit, I have been very remiss about taking Ben to get professional photos done (as my mother will lament to anyone she knows). We do a great job of taking photos with our camera and our phones, but then I never seem to print them out. Oops. But hey, I post most all of them to Facebook, so at least there's that. So his having a school picture day was pretty exciting and one of the perks of daycare! I made sure to put him in a cute outfit, to tame his locks, and send him away clean faced and perky.

I logged on to the website today to look at the proofs, and you have to look through like the whole daycare center's photos until you find your kid. So I'm scrolling through all these adorable pics of kids older and younger of Ben, and then I get to Ben. And I kid you not, there were a total of 471 photos taken for his school and most every kid got like 10 shots - but my kid, my special kid, yeah, one freakin' photo. ONE! And it is with his signature grumpy "I loathe this" facial expression. Are you kidding me?? Granted, when I picked him up that day his teacher mentioned that he was not loving the photo process, but she also said that she was sure they caught something because they took a ton of shots and he eventually calmed down. This photography group specializes in childrens' photos and especially those done at daycares, and my kid was so worked up and horrible that you could only get off one shot? And it's a crappy one at that? Really?!

I am peeved. Totally peeved.

Carefree Days

We are on Day 5 of our Sippy Stand-off. We have an uneasy compromise going on right now. I take his Born Free sippy and top it with a nipple (thanks for the idea Breezy). He gets that in the morning and at night, the rest of the day is a battle. I finally found the Nuk sippy cup that Breezy suggested, and it seems to work the best. Of course I have to hold him like a baby and force him to drink it, but after a minute he seems to get that I'm not playing and drink more on his own. He still has yet to drink a whole serving of milk from any sippy (sans nipple). The kid has his convictions, but he has yet to realize that mommy will always win. I can wait him out.

Although, he doesn't have much longer to be babied because he's headed to daycare on Tuesday. I am so thrilled that he will be starting a 2-day program next week. We have decided upon Gateway Academy. J and I visited one location last week and liked their structure. While it was perfectly fine, I left with an uneasy feeling - like maybe I wasn't really ready for Ben to go to daycare at all. After visiting another location today, we are good to go. Ben seemed much more at ease with the caregivers and center directors. In fact when visiting the toddler room, he went right up to the table the kids were coloring at and started trying to take their away their pictures. Sure, not the best behavior, but at least he was interacting rather than shying away (as is his usual tactic). And I felt like we were both ready for this step. It's only two days a week, but it's a start. I am looking forward to his daily reports and seeing how much he learns from the other kiddos.

Day 3: Sippy Cup Stand-off

So this weekend has been a very interesting battle of the bulge at the Hawken household. We are trying, at this point unsuccessfully, to wean Ben from the bottle and onto the sippy cup. *shock* *gasp* Yes, he still drinks milk from a bottle. And yes, I know that he is 16-months old and should be way over this. He has been drinking water and juice from sippy cups since before he turned 1. However, he will haughtily throw down any sippy cup that contains milk. He has opinions and he's not afraid to share them, even if it involves hurling a sippy cup at your head.

We have been trying to get him off bottles for a few months now, and I have grimaced every time we've been out in public and I've had to break out the bottle or every time my mom lovingly makes a comment or every time some other mother at Gymboree shares her well-intentioned opinion. And I'll admit we haven't really thrown ourselves into the process whole-heartedly. What can I say, he's my baby. This is his one thing. He has never taken a pacifier, he has no lovey toy, no favorite blanket - he likes his milk from a Born Free nipple. I thought he'd just naturally grow out of it, eventually. In an effort to ready Ben for daycare, this weekend we decided to make our home a bottle-free zone. (Yes, Ben will be attending a 2-day program...but that's another post.)

I knew it would be difficult. I knew he would pitch fits. However I did not anticipate how stubborn my son can be. People, it is Day 3. The boy goes without drinking milk from a sippy all day, when he usually would have had 4 bottles. We will give him 1 water/juice mixture and the rest is either water or milk from a sippy. He will take a few sips, but never drink more than a few ounces of either. How is he maintaining his resistance? Is he part cyborg? 

Smile

Here's the thing about motherhood, it's uncharted waters. Sure there are tons of books, magazines, websites and blogs on parenting, but it's all just advice. There is no proven equation for perfect parenting. So as mothers, we're all just doing the best we can. So why are we our own worst enemy? As a mom, I am always second-guessing myself. I may seem confident, but internally I do wonder if I am doing everything I can to make sure Ben becomes the best he can be. There's a lot of self-pressure, guilt and worry - so do we need the judgement from other moms? I have found that other mothers can be the best and worst for advice. There can be a dash of judgement thrown in, especially when it comes to different styles of parenting. And believe me, I'm not excluding myself from this list (see previous comment re: the name Jacoby).

Last week I posted on Facebook that I had survived Ben's first dental appointment. Yes, my son is 13-months old and I took him to a pediatric dentist for a check-up and cleaning. This is something that I had done the research about during pregnancy, as one of my favorite former clients is a pediatric dentist with a great practice. He recommended that the baby should come when he has his first tooth and at minimum by 1-year. So, I was already feeling a bit guilty taking Ben in over 6 months after his first teeth. However, what I didn't expect was that people on Facebook would have a mini-debate about it and that when I would mention said debate to other moms at Gymboree they would chastise me too. I kept being told "Oh, my doctor said there was no need until the child is 3." And then, "Yes, yes, my doctor said that too. Besides the doctor checks them at the visits anyway. Why would a child need a cleaning at that age?"

So, while I was confident in my initial decision to go to the dentist and the visit went well. Afterwards I felt like a bit of an idiot. Did I do something wrong? And seriously, it's silly. My decision was mine and your decision is yours. Why should I now feel like a "bad" mom for doing something proactive about my son's dental health? I mean, baby teeth are tricky. How do you clean them properly? When should they start really brushing and using toothpaste? How can you be sure to avoid cavities as best possible? These are all questions that my pediatric dentist answered for me. As well as alerting me to the fact that Ben's first molars are popping through, and which teeth should come next. And let's not mention that it was fun for Ben to see the dentist's office and play with the tools. Sure, he didn't love the cleaning but it took 45 seconds and then we were done.

There's really no moral to this story, just a little thought - you do what works for you, and I'll do what works for me.

Sidenote: Check out Parenting Magazine's January article "Give us a Smile!" - it's all about your child's dental health. "Take your baby to the dentist by her first birthday" per the American Academy of Pediatrics and American Dental Association. Sure, let's judge each other less...but for a moment, vindication is mine. :)

Sickies

I feel bad that I haven't posted but this house is a bit under the weather. Well, Ben is under the weather and we're just all catering to his needs. Poor bugger has a virus that I am sure he caught at Gymboree (or Germboree as my corny husband likes to call it). In fact, I am pretty sure that I heard one of the mom's saying that she hadn't been to last week's class because her son, Jacoby, had been ill. Well, he was still snotting and sneezing all over the equipment, so maybe she shouldn't have brought him back just yet. Argh! I know, I know, germs are normal and even good. Kids need to build up their defenses by getting sick, etc., etc. But since Ben is a stay-at-home kid, he's only been sick once and that was when he was 3 months old (also after an interaction with other kids)...so is it selfish of me to want to keep my healthy baby all to myself and not deal with the sickies!?! Sure, he's only snotty, sneezy, whiny, sleepy and fevery (hehe, 5 of the "sick" 7 dwarves), but it's hard to watch him feel so miserable. This is a kid who is always into everything and constantly willing to eat anything he can get his hands on. Now, he's whimpering and we're having to force him to eat and drink. Not to mention that I just hate having to check his temperature...rectally...ouch. Sigh, I'm just whining. This is part of motherhood and I've been lucky he's been well all year and that he's not sick with anything more serious. I don't know how people handle it when their kids truly have something horrible wrong with them. On the positive side, I do get a lot more snuggles...mainly because he's too sluggish to escape. I'll take 'em when I can get 'em.

On a side note, does anyone else think Jacoby is a stupid name? I apologize in advance to anyone with a kid, nephew, grandson, etc. named Jacoby...but it sounds silly to me. Was Jacob not good enough?

On another note, when I go to these classes I really notice that Ben is seriously so much cuter than the other kids. Really, he is. Does everyone else think that when they take their kid to class too? If my kid was funny looking, would I notice? Cause some of these kids are funny looking. Yes, I'm mean and shallow - judging toddlers...tsk, tsk.

Growing Up

Wondering what’s been going on in the wonderful world of Ben? Of course! Here ya go:

-He has 6 teeth now (4 top, 2 bottom) and is currently cutting some more. He got his first two teeth at 4 months. Teething involves a lot of crankiness and crying.
-He rolled over, finally, at around 6 to 7 months. A little slow on the rolling, but he does things when he feels like it. I accept it.
-He is a happy-go-lucky baby, and finally started smiling in photos! Whew.
-He started crawling at 7 months. Apparently he wasn't fond of the rolling, so went on to crawling. However, he doesn't crawl on all fours like other kids. Nah, he's special. He keeps one leg bent in the ever-ready-sit position. You'd have to see it to understand, but he's fast and terribly cute.
-He has mastered the stairs. Well, just up. It was the first thing he did once he crawled. I have no idea how to teach him "down" for the stairs.
-No talking yet. Lots and lots of babbling and odd yelps and screams. Who knows when he'll talk.
-He can open doors, flush toilets, turn the lights on/off, pull all the books out of the bookshelves, break anything electronic, and basically get into anything he shouldn't be in. The baby proofing on the cabinets worked briefly, but he has now figured out how to pop those open too. *sigh*
-He has been walking in the past few weeks, but only when he feels like it and mainly when we're not watching. He cannot be enticed to walk towards you with food because crawling there is much faster (duh!). So, we just cheer him on when we catch him walking and he promptly rewards us by sitting down. What can I say, he's been this way since he was in the womb.

Here are some of my favorite photos from this summer:

Cut + Paste

Oh yeah, the whole reason I wanted to post was to share some of the fun online photo sites I've found for creating scrapbooks, cards, etc. I swear, pregnancy brain was bad, but mommy brain is worse!

Fun photo sites:
http://www.snapfish.com
http://www.shutterfly.com
http://www.mixbook.com
http://www.picaboo.com
http://www.myphotoalbum.com
http://www.lulu.com

I have literally printed off 2 pictures of Ben since he was born. Thank goodness for grandparents! Let's not even mention that there are no photo albums (yet) and I haven't completed his baby book. I could say I am too busy, but that'd be a lie. I just hate doing stuff like this. Luckily my guilt has kicked in, and I have decided to get it done before his 1st birthday (less than a month people!). We'll see if I hit my deadline, or if it gets pushed back to Christmas.

Right now I'm playing on Mixbook to create a scrapbook for Ben using their "Baby Boy" template. It's nice because if you're a non-scrapbooker like me, it will totally do the pages for you and you just drop in photos, add quotes, etc. So quick and easy. Or you can just start from scratch, if you're cool like that.

All of these sites allow you to create online and share, and then order an actual album based off of the online creation as well. Great idea for gifts for the grandparents, newlyweds, new parents, new grad, etc.

Enjoy!

Nominate This

OMFG, my baby is SIX MONTHS old, and I totally forgot to update my blog with pictures and such to mark the day. To add insult to injury, he has teeth now and I have not been able to get a picture of the little protrusions. Every time he opens his mouth (or "nibbles" on my hand), it freaks me out to see those two gleaming white nubs. Who decided my kid should get teeth this soon? I was a toothless-wonder until almost a year of age! It's all happening so fast, and I still haven't even written one thing in his baby book. I guess the Mother-of-the-Year award committee will be skipping my house this year.

Perhaps I'll get my act together and post pictures later in the week. Maybe I can get some good "teeth" shots after his 6-month check-up when his all loopy from the shots. I'm sure he'll be crying.

Shh...SHUT UP!

Why does the f'ing UPS guy always have to drive up after I've gotten the baby to nap? I swear to all that is holy, if he rings that damn doorbell and knocks again tomorrow I am going to jerk a knot in him. And why do you need to ring the doorbell twice and knock twice? Is this part of UPS training? Between you and the Jehovah's witnesses that keep circling the neighborhood, it's like Grand Central Station on my porch. Just knock and leave the damn package on the door. You know I have a new baby, you've seen my disheveled, smelly self when I've had to sign for packages. Have a heart, and just SHHHHHHHH.

To the Jehovah's witnesses, what's with all the furious recruitment efforts of late? If I'm correct, aren't there only so many spots in heaven per your teachings? So here's a thought, if you stop recruiting, you're guaranteed a spot. If you recruit me, who's to say that I wouldn't be taking your spot? That would really suck for you.

Messy, Messy, Messy

If any other man in my life constantly vomited, peed and shat all over me, you'd think I was some sort of kinky fetishist. No, I'm just a mom. A very dirty mom. I never knew how much I'd love baby wipes. Baby wipes are the new shower.

Funny Boy

I think that being with a baby all day has made my brain turn to mush. I literally can't think of anything to post about other than Ben. And really, shouldn't I have more to talk about than the baby? Maybe? I mean, he's my world and all, but seriously, a single thought of my own? It's like they just flutter out of my head before they have a chance to land. Instead, I shall tell you that Ben is now eating solids. Is that crazy? It seems way too soon to me, but he's loving it. So far he's tried sweet potatoes, squash, green beans and peas - and likes them in that order. Tomorrow we're adding carrots to the mix and soon we'll venture on to fruits. Oddly he already likes as many veggies as I do, so here's hoping he's not a picky eater like his mom. Watching him eat is seriously one of the highlights of my day. It's just so funny to see the expressions he makes and how animated he can get when he's really hungry and I'm just not shovelling it in fast enough. He's already grabbing the spoon and trying to feed himself. Shockingly, he seems to be leaning towards being a South Paw. He predominately uses his left hand for most things, so it'll be interesting if two rights make a left - especially since my parents are two lefts who made two rights.

Here's my little man laughing his head off at pizza, of all things. He was just staring at me eating pizza, so I started making the nom-nom-nom sounds and it just cracked his ass up. This is the first time we've ever gotten him to laugh more than once, and were lucky enough to catch it on camera! Seriously, I was crying because I was laughing so hard at him laughing.

It's a LONG Story

So a few months ago, I did this thing, I had a baby. Lemme tell you bout it...let's all travel back in time to November 1st. Are you there? Do you remember? The anticipation, the hope, the non-stop TV coverage. No, not about me - because there was a presidential election looming - silly!

Well, after standing in line to last-minute-early vote, I went home to meet my husband and parents for lunch and then last minute baby shopping. I figured I needed to cram some more useless stuff into my hospital suitcase. I couldn't possibly go have a baby without the Brest Friend Pillow...right?! Afterwards, we went to meet my sister at her new apartment in Charlotte. She moved just in time - 24 hours before the induction (or is it inducement? is that even a word?). While the menfolk helped lug heavy objects, I sat on the couch and then played on the floor with her soon-to-be nephew, Colby. I figured it was good training for how to interact with boys.

At around 7 PM, we decided to call it a night and head to grab some dinner at Chili's before going home to my place. I thought we'd go home and have a nice night of sleep before arriving at the hospital on Sunday at 10 AM for my dose of pitocin. I guess baby had a better plan. While in the bathroom at Chili's (what a way to start a sentence), I started having what I thought were really bad Braxton Hicks contractions. I mean, it couldn't possibly be labor. I wasn't even dilated the day before, and as my least favorite OB said "you'll know if it's labor. you won't be able to talk or walk when it's real!" (Thanks guy. I mean, I know you and your penis have been through so many labor pains - jerk!) So, I was convinced it wasn't labor because here I was walking and talking. But, I did decide I didn't want to hang about at Chili's, so my mom gulped down her glass of wine and we skedaddled. On the drive from South Charlotte to my place, I started to really hurt. So much so that my dad, who was driving, started speeding and breaking a sweat. Even though I was in pain, I was still convinced that it wasn't labor. I just needed to get home and be on the couch in loungey pants...that'll solve it. I mean, this baby is scheduled for November 2nd people - get with the program!

Once we arrived home, I started to feel better. Enough so that I had J make me a dinner of grilled cheese, and got on Facebook to distract myself. After a few bites, the pains resumed and took my breath away. At that point, my dad said "I think this is labor." I kept asking my mom what it should feel like, and she was like "I can't remember, it's been over 20 years." Thanks for the help! Well, we decided to start timing the pains around 8 PM. I would feel something, yell it out, and my dad would jot down the time. Soon he started anticipating my pains, which was really frustrating because he would look at his watch and then stare at me...alerting me to impending doom. I got so angry, that I told my mom to help me upstairs, away from the pain patrol. I was pretty convinced this was it once I had to "go" to the bathroom, which was terrifying. Have you ever tried to poop when you're having contractions? I just knew I was going to pop the baby out in the toilet! Everyone was pretty convinced that I should head to the hospital because the pains were about 5 minutes apart for an hour, and I was on board because I wanted that epidural as soon as possible. But first, I wanted to take a quick bath, fix my make-up, and update Facebook. I know, priorities! Let me say the bath was a huge mistake. Once I was in, I almost didn't get out! I didn't realize how huge I was, and neither did James. It took him and my mom to get me out. Ahh, fatty-ness!

On the drive to the hospital, I sat in the back and just writhed in pain because the contractions were about a minute apart. Seriously, contractions are the worst pain I have ever felt. Ever. That shit just hurts. Period. When we got to the ER, I remained calm but simply told everyone I wanted the epidural. People, I want the epidural. Don't leave me hanging and tell me I can't have it! We got checked in by the skeleton crew because it was about 11 PM on a Saturday night, and I wasn't expected until the next morning. At around 1 AM, I was 4 centimeters dilated and the doc okay'd my epidural. For a girl terrified of needles, I had never been more happy. When they started the epidural, I was scared to death but handling it fine...then came a contraction, and the doc said "Don't move!" Let me say, it is not so easy to stay completely still with a needle in your back and a big old contraction coursing through your body. But I got through it, and the medicine took its toll and calmed me right down. To those who have done it without meds, more power to you...but I would highly recommend the epidural, it will be your best friend.

After the epidural, the doc came in and stripped my membranes and broke my water. I didn't feel any of it! My mom, dad, sister, her fiance, and my husband were all in the room with me and we all settled in to watch Dickie Roberts (I love that movie! And I wanted something mindless because it was really starting to hit me, I am about to have a baby! OMG!). I think I got a few hours of sleep before I started feeling pain on my left side. I thought it was odd, but didn't know if maybe it was normal to feel something...so I didn't say anything. Around 4 AM the nurse noticed I was wincing from pain, and got the anesthesiologist to give me another bump of epi meds and had me lay on my side to get the meds to travel to that side of the body. Basically it became a waiting game, when is this baby coming? The doc kept checking me, but there wasn't that much change. Finally around 7 AM, I was at 8 centimeters but not fully effaced. However, I just knew it was almost time. We started placing bets on when Ben would join us. At around noon on Sunday, and after nurse and doctor shift changes, I was finally fully dilated and ready to push. It's all so surreal when it comes down to push time. I was ready, but also just shocked that I was about to have a baby. It just becomes so real when you realize this boy is going to leave the belly and come home with you.

There was a bit of a situation when it came time to push. I knew that James would be there, but sitting behind me. He's not really good with gore, in fact once we arrived at the hospital he started to look pale. I knew my mom would be there, and I assumed that a nurse would be there to help too. Go figure, I get the 8-month preggo nurse and she's not allowed to help in lifting my legs. So they say "We'll get your sister." And I was like, "Oh no. She will pass out, and definitely never have kids if she sees this!" I told them to get my dad, the nurses were a bit shocked by that, but it's my dad. Who cares. Believe me, he would have preferred to be in the waiting room - but he helped out and just stared at the wall behind me the whole time. Poor guy. Once we started pushing, apparently I started bleeding a lot from tearing. James saw a bloody towel, and almost lost it. The nurses made him sit down and drink OJ. So in between pushing, I'm holding his hand and asking if he's okay and demanding he stay seated and not pass out on me! I was in the zone when it came to pushing, and I just focused and stayed quiet because I was in deep concentration on getting this baby out. After two hours of pushing, I started to feel pain again. It felt like my whole lower half was going to split and fall off. It was horrible. Apparently the epidural wore off, and they were trying to decide if I should keep pushing or go to a c-section. During this time the baby's heart rate was fine, but my blood pressure was not so good. The doc wanted to give it one last big push and try the vacuum. I thought, "Whatever...just get this damn baby out of me!" During the last pushes, I started to grunt loudly while pushing. One of the nurses, Nurse Helga as I like to call her, grabbed my arm tightly and said "SHH! Don't make any noise, it's just wasting energy and you need to focus on getting this baby out." I thought my mom was going to jump over my belly and beat this woman down. Surprisingly, I just rolled my eyes at her and pushed on. Well, that last push didn't work. Ben refused to come out, and then they decided to take me to the OR for a c-section. They rushed everyone out of the room, except James, and came in to shave me. This is when I almost lost my shit. I so did not want a c-section. When my parents said bye, and my sis came in to say good-luck, they were all crying and I started getting teary. I just kept saying "Why can't I do this? What's wrong with me?" I felt like a failure. I know that's silly, but I really wanted a vaginal birth. After so much effort, it was a disappointment to then have to go for a C. To add insult to injury, the contractions just kept on coming and I was told to just lay there and not push. Hello, seriously?!?

Finally around 3 PM, I was in the OR and getting the good meds for surgery. They got me situated and then had James come in. He looked terrified, and I was physically shaking. I was just so worn out and so scared, my body was just involuntarily convulsing. The doctors and nurses in the OR were so nice, and really helped calm me down. The doc started to prick my abdomen to make sure the meds had taken effect before cutting...but I felt it. Every time he'd prick, I'd say "Yep, I feel that!" So then they'd give me more meds, but I kept feeling it. This scared me even more. The doctor leaned down and said "We're going to have to go with Plan B." In my head I was thinking, "But this is Plan B. What's next? Do I just have to suck it up and feel this?!" The doc said that in about 5% of c-sections, the patient has to be put 100% under. Lucky me. They had James leave, as he was not allowed to be in the room. I was terrified, but only remember saying "100, 99, 98" and then I was out!

I woke up around 4:30 PM and totally could not figure out where I was and what had happened. The nurse was talking to me, but I don't remember answering - even though I was. I just started scanning the room for James and the baby. Finally, I saw him at foot of my bed, holding the baby. I asked if Ben was okay, did he have all his fingers/toes - and then James brought him over for me to look at. I felt too weak to hold him, but the nurse assured me I would be fine. When they put him in my arms, I just melted. There is no feeling like holding that baby for the first time. He was just so beautiful and alert. He was just staring at me, and it was like he could just see your soul. God, that's so hokey! But really, there's no way to describe it. After a few minutes they allowed my family and friends to come in, and that's when I felt overwhelmed. There was just so much love and joy in the room, and I knew my life would never be the same. And so far, it hasn't.

Little Big Man

I can't believe it's been 2 months! The time has just flown by, and little Ben is growing by leaps and bounds and doing one amazing thing after the other - but I may be biased. We had our 2-month appointment today and all is well. He's a big baby boy, weighing in at 15 pounds and 6 ounces - or "off the charts" as the nurse practitioner told us. What can I say, we made a big baby!

We had our first round of shots today, and he did such a good job! I know I was more upset than he was, but it was scary for mommy. I mean, they just come in there and jab him without much of a warning or anything. Bam, bam, bam - 3 shots in a minute. He screamed, but then I picked him up and he calmed right down. Of course the rest of the day he's been a bit more irritable and achy, so we've had our first experience with baby Tylenol. So far, he likes the grape flavor the best.

Well, I have so much more to share - like the birth story, the first weeks home, how much I miss adult interaction, etc...but I need to go to bed and get a few hours of shut-eye before the little man wakes up for his middle of the night feeding.

I will return to posting...once I figure out how to hold the baby and type. Until then...