Do you ever want to update your Facebook status and just tell it like it is? Take today for example, I posted "out enjoying the sunshine," but neglected to mention what I really felt which was "I'm in a pissy f*cking mood today so watch out, especially if your name is J."
My day started out all sunshine and daisies, but then quickly turned to shite once J and I had yet another argument about my anger towards him. Here's the thing: He's right. I am angry at him. I do take any and all my frustrations out on him. However, he knows why I'm angry. He knows what would make me happy. So why make it so hard? We have been debating moving back to RDU since I moved to CLT in 2004. We agreed to move back in October 2009. We have slowly been taking care of things around the house in order to have it in tip-top shape so that we can list it. Great! We have agreed that he should be looking for a job because he (annoyingly) is the bread-winner and will need to secure employment first in order for us to move forward. However, he has not sent one single resume in to date. WTF?! He claims that he is "researching" the area and creating profiles of the top companies he wants to target. Uh, okay. But how long does that take? And can you not research companies and also apply for jobs at the same time? Seems doable to me. And yet he seems to look for anything under the sun that is on our task list and do that first with his free time. Yes, getting things done around the house is important. Yes, selling big items on Ebay to make money is important. But why is everything more important than actually applying for a job? He just seems to have no real urgency in that arena. He says he does. He says I'm right, and he will do it. And yet week after week, the same argument. So yes, I'm mad. I nag him and yell every weekend because I feel he should be able to spend one day applying for jobs. It's what I'd do.
At the same time, he doesn't seem to truly understand why this all makes me so angry. I've explained it to him, and he says he gets it...but still no action. I am in a holding pattern. I love that we decided I'd stay home with Ben, and that I've been fortunate enough to have that opportunity. I wouldn't trade a second of the time I have spent with him and I will cherish it always. But Mommy is ready to get back to work. I miss working and using my brain. I miss interacting with people and problem-solving. I miss the money. I hate feeling so dependent on someone. Yes, we're married - what's his is mine, mine is his...blah, blah, blah. But for me, I like having my own income and the sense of independence that comes along with it. I also know that when I'm working, I'm happier. I know I'd be a much better wife and mother if I had an outlet of my own. So, I've started as an independent stylist for Stella & Dot and that helps. But it's only a stop-gap until we move and I can get back into the full-time workforce. And let's be real, we can't afford for me to stay home much longer, which brings me back to my anger. He knows that I need to get back to work soon and that it makes no sense to get a job in Charlotte at this point. By the time I would be hired, we'd be turning around to move like 3 months later. As a former HR person, I can't do that to a company. So hello - urgency, let's send some resumes out please!!