Worrying Week 5 Away

A few of you have asked me why I haven't posted since the big announcement....I got nothing. I still really am just in shock that I'm pregnant. It's not like I look pregnant (besides the crazy sore and swollen boobs), and I think that makes it hard to comprehend and digest. It's all just so surreal still!

But, I am bloated like a champ. Seriously, I have like 2 pairs of work pants that still fit comfortably (you know, my formerly fat pants) - and I literally wore one pair of them 4 days out of 5 last week. Sorry co-workers, I'm usually stylish but I feel stupid going out to buy new clothes for this in-between stage.

I'm also paranoid that I'm going into this pregnancy too fat already. I'm like 15 (probably more) pounds heavier than I should be, so when I read all the pregnancy books I'm already in the "overweight" category. I know I shouldn't worry about this, but it does stress me out. Not to mention the fact that the OBGYN told me on the first visit that I shouldn't gain more than 20-25 pounds total. I feel like I should be eating healthier than ever right now and totally trying to exercise daily, so that I don't become a big fat pregnant monster. I mean, I shouldn't even show until like what month 4 or 5? It doesn't help to see all these pregnant hollywood types who weigh as much as I do on a skinny day when they are at full term. I know, it's silly, and I should totally not give a shit - but it is in the back of my head nagging at me.

Mostly, I have horrible heartburn and acid reflux. Oddly, I am craving salty foods and eating the heck out of chips and salsa - I know this doesn't help the reflux, but it's so yummy. I'm also nauseous and dizzy in the mornings and at night - I guess it's the beginnings of morning sickness. I threw up for the first time today - wahoo! But I think it was more from the acid reflux, than true nausea. I'm also way more tired than ever - especially in the afternoons around 3pm. I get home from work and nap, eat dinner, and then go to bed super early. So, dilemma - where to fit in the working out. See, this is why I'm slightly stressed.

I'm going to eat more chips...they're organic and have protein. Little Lima Bean needs lots of protein...also worrisome, since I'm not typically a big protein person. See, so much to worry about!!

Mission Accomplished

So after the maybe-positives on the pregnancy tests, I was finally able to get an appointment at the doctor. Well, not my usual doctor, but a totally new doctor. Yep, my doctor couldn't get me in for a few weeks. A few weeks?! Hello lady, I can't wait that long. So I totally bailed on my old doc and got myself a shiny new one!

I never went back to sleep after 5:00 a.m. on Thursday. I was too anxious, nervous, excited, afraid, and a zillion other feelings. James looked like a deer caught in headlights. The headlights being fear and anxiety! We got to the doctor at 10:00 a.m., and then had to sit in the waiting room for 20 minutes. The longest 20 minutes of my life! And of course, I'm thinking - did I really see 2 lines this morning? What if I'm totally not anywhere near pregnant and this is all just me being a prego-chondriac? I mean, I have been obsessed with getting pregnant, so I could have imagined it all. Possibly. I really hope not, that would be so embarassing!

We go back to the way back, finally, and I have to pee in a cup. Of course I flip out and am like, I can't pee - I have no more pee! I am supposed to get a blood test, I already did the peeing at home. The nurse assures me that the doctors' have stronger tests than my little EPT, so I go along with it. And ya'll, I'm telling you it was like 3 seconds flat and she says "yep, it's faint but it's there...you're pregnant!" AHHH! So exciting, but lonely because James is in the exam room waiting on me and the doctor. So, we go in there and I tell him "it was right, we're pregnant." More shock and fear on his face. I have the nurse tell him we're pregnant, and after she leaves us to wait for the doctor he says, "I'm not believing any of this until the DOCTOR tells us for sure!" My little pessimist.

The doc comes in and confirms, yes I am pregnant. Four weeks and 3 days to be exact, and our due date is October 30th (but this will probably change). James is still in disbelief, and she tells him at least 3 more times that this is for real and we are pregnant. I am over the moon excited and happy and anxious and happy and anxious and happy....you get the idea.

This all still feels like a dream to me. I woke up today and was like, "Did this really happen?" I literally called James at work twice today to confirm with him that we did in fact go to the doctor and she did say we are pregnant. I am already totally in love with this baby. Seriously, I know that's weird since it's so freaking early - but I am already talking to the little bugger. I figure it's never too early to bond and train your child.

Right now our little lima bean is the size of a tiny apple seed. Isn't that crazy?

I deleted the picture since most of you thought it was gross....we'll go back to pictures when I have sonograms and such!

(or maybe gross, sorry! i'm obsessed with seeing what it looks like each week and you will get to journey with me!)

Blurred Vision

Update on Project Seed Pod - This is an actual email transcript from February 21st:

----- Original Message -----
From: Stacy
To: Miss Breezy
Sent: Thu Feb 21 05:05:25 2008
Subject: ?

So, it's 5am and I just took ept test. Can see very faint shadow of second line which forms the plus. Is this a shadow? Am I seeing things? Does it count?

Argh! I've got 1 first response test left....do I test again @ 7:30ish when I wake up? Will that test be valid since it's less than 4 hours between pee's?

I'm peeing again then to see what it says. Email more later!!

----- Original Message -----
From: Stacy

To: Miss Breezy
Sent: Thu Feb 21 07:11:03 2008
Subject: Re: ?

Second test, same as the first. Faint, but viewable, 2nd line. I made james look at both and he sees it to. Of course I'm upset though b/c his reaction was "go to the doctor. Let's not get all excited until you get official word from the doctor."

Wow, thanks for the love, support and enthusiasm honey. It's so great being married to a rational thinker. Of course the gyno isn't open, and it
won't let me leave a message for some reason.

I think I'm going to call you now b/c I need to talk to someone who will at least say "fuck yeah they're lines. You're eggo is preggo!"

Pickle Me This

Okay, I think I have an eating disorder or something. Seriously, I'm out of control with the cravings. I just ate a whole 16-ounce jar of Kosher Dill Chips. Literally, just now, as a snack. I mean, I've always loved pickles - but a whole jar! That's like 70 dill chips, ya'll! And I cannot lie my friends, I would have drank all the pickle juice too if James hadn't come in and taken the jar away from me.

I bought a pregnancy test today to take tomorrow morning. So, either I'm pregnant or this is the worst PMS ever.

Weird.

Yeats I Am Not

Ode to Silk

I love you chocolate Silk,

I drank you without guilt.

But when I read the nutritional label,

Your carbohydrates made my belly like a big fat dirigible.

I never claimed to be a poet...plus it's really hard to find something that rhymes with label!

Have ya'll tried Silk Chocolate? If not, do - but go for the low-fat version. I literally drank a whole carton yesterday. It's so smooth and creamy, and it was the only thing making my nauseous tummy happy. Of course now I know that our love must be denied. I cannot handle your passion Silk Chocolate - you consume me. And since I cannot say 'no' to you, I have banned you from the home (until my next craving).

Fruitless

All the symptoms, none of the benefits.

• Sore breasts, check.
• Heartburn & indigestion, check.
• Cramping, check.
• Nausea, check.
• Cravings, check.
• Moodiness, check.

I'd get excited if the symptoms for pregnancy weren't the same as the symptoms for menstruation. I guess I'll find out this week.

No Big O

OMG can I just say that I feel like Oprah totally dissed us today. Breezy, CindyLooHoo, T-Ann and myself dialed like crazy today on multiple phones to get through on the Oprah Ticket line and never got further than multiple busy signals and "circuits are busy." How could you crush our dreams O? We worked our fingers to the bone dialing from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. and yet got no love from the O.

Sadness.

Odds and Ends

If you have a lazy weekend coming up, here are some movies I'd recommend -

• The Kingdom: Okay, I refused to go see this in the theater with James because Jamie Foxx just gets on my nerves. Yes, he was phenomenal in Ray and Dreamgirls, but since then he's gotten so full of himself and just annoyed me in interviews, so I have sort of refused to see his movies. Well, James pitched a fit that we rent it this weekend since I ruined his life by not going to see it in the theater. And, I have to admit that it was really quite good. Rent it, you'll like it.
• Feast of Love: I really wanted to see this when it came out, but it was too 'girly' for James. However, he was pleasantly surprised by the fact that it's sort of a indie/art house movie and there is a lot of nudity - full on T & A. Beyond that, it was a very good love story. It was full of redemption, hope and the intricacies of all relationships. I really enjoyed it - and your man will too when you tell him about all the booby scenes.
• The Jane Austen Book Club: Jane Austen, 'nuff said. It's a great ensemble cast - Maria Bello & Emily Blunt to name a few - and it follows the lives of several characters as they proceed through all 6 of Jane Austen's novels. Plus, it has cutie Hugh Dancy (ella enchanted anyone? am i the only person over 25 with no kids that loves that movie?!). Definitely girly, so watch it without the boys - and then go right into Pride & Prejudice!
• Deathproof: Again, evil me wouldn't go to the theaters to see this when it came out. It seemed so stupid. I'm not a 'hot rod' kind of person. James has been begging to rent it for months and I finally gave in. I love Tarantino - sure he's annoying as hell, but I always love his movies - and Deathproof was no let down. Full of gratuitous, over-the-top violence, cursing, strong women and good music - it's a total Tarantino. If you don't like violent movies, then avoid. If you're like me, enjoy!

So, can you tell what I did this weekend?

TGIF

Can a 5-year old get any cuter? I think not!

What more could a little girl want for her birthday - friends, dressing up, make-up and a little tea party! Happy belated 5th birthday Miss Lila Brooke!

There's no real reason for this post. It's been a long and arduous week and this just perks me up!

Vicious Circle

Update on Project Seed Pod, in case anyone cares - besides me. I went to the girly doctor today, so much fun. My cycle has varied from 23 to 32 days - not good. We're going to keep tracking my cycle, and she thinks that things will even out. Apparently she believes stress over the last few months has made my cycle go wonky.

Stress is apparently preventing me from getting pregnant. Stress causes me to eat more, which causes me to gain weight. My recent weight gain is not helping me to get pregnant. I'm stressed because I'm not pregnant. Oh stress, what a wicked web you weave!

The doc won't even discuss infertility issues until August (when it's an official year). Argh, I hate this waste of time and all the waiting. In the interim, I should have sex every other day until mid-month. I should be more excited about that than I am. Instead, it feels like work. Making a baby is just hard work. All this work is making me stressed.