Saturday, June 7, 2008

Ginormous

So imagine it's a gorgeous, albeit overly hot, Friday morning and you are driving with one of your co-workers to a client meeting. You get to said client meeting and what do you see? A fight - yes, a fight. We pulled up to the office and see my client literally in a ghetto screaming fight with one of her customers. Needless to say, I parked the car a bit off from the scene, rolled the window down to listen, and we proceeded to "pretend" to be gathering all of our materials for the meeting so we could totally spy. It was hilarious! Honestly, I thought it was going to degenerate into fisticuffs...which would have been a sight to behold since my client is like 5' and the opponent was looking like an Amazonian in comparison. There was yelling, cursing, hand waving, neck rolling, and threats of "you don't know me," "I'm gonna sue your ass!" and my favorite, "Bring it, bitch!" Ah, what a morning! Somehow it made me feel better just knowing that my clients have whack-a-doo customers too.

After everything calmed down, we proceeded to go in for our meeting. At the beginning of which, my client looks me up and down with an odd scowl and says, "Why do you look so different?" Let me say it was not a friendly, "Damn girl, you look good!" tone. It was a "You look like a 400-lb fatty, what's going on?" kinda tone. To whit I replied, "Well, I'm pregnant, so you probably haven't seen me since I started to show." And then she says, and this takes the cake, "Your BOOBS are HUGE!" Not only does she say it, she says it loudly, and in front of the whole store - men and women alike. I am sure I turned the same shade of red as my cute little wrap dress. Then she says, "How far along are you?" As in, "How far along are you so I can judge if you have gained the appropriate amount of weight or not." I replied, "Almost 5 months" and she says, "Oh, that's it." I guess 5 months met her weight gain to pregnancy ratio?

I mean, I have been feeling really good about my weight gain and comfortable in my size. Hell, even pretty and sexy. So to have some little 5' midget appraise me was really annoying and somewhat unnerving. I have always been sensitive about my breast size. I am a girl with large boobs, always have been. Even at my skinniest of days, my boobs were always large. I am self-conscious about it. I can't stand them, in fact. A lot of people say things about wishing their boobs were larger, but when you are a double-D and then the first trimester of pregnancy makes you a triple-D, it ain't fun. Even before pregnancy and my married bliss weight gain, I was a D. Bras at a D level and higher are rarely cute and sexy. They are always functional. They don't come in pretty little lacy designs, they are all about basic colors and tons of wiring for support. Functional means huge straps, 4 to 6 hooks, and so much coverage that you have to watch the cut of your shirts or you will show off your grandma-like bra. I can't even imagine what's going to happen once my boobs have milk in them. I may actually crush people by accident.

Here's the thing that kills me about pregnancy. Everyone that has children feels entitled to have an opinion about your pregnancy. And it's not just an opinion, it's an expert opinion. From weight gain, to bottles, to exercise, to birth, to child rearing. And while sometimes it's welcome advice, more often than not it's overbearing and intrusive. So before you open your mouth and speak to a pregnant woman, remember this - hormones are a bitch, and I would sure hate to slap your ass.

6 comments:

Breezy said...

PREACH IT SISTA! I've had this similar experience, but luckily have yet to have people give me unsolicited child rearing/bringing home baby expert advice...let's hope it stays that way. I won't mind it as long as I ask for it!

Beckers said...

I think you should take advantage of the hormone excuse to just tell people what you really feel for the next few months.

Of course that probably isn't a good idea with clients.

Damn, that sucks.

Anonymous said...

OK, as your Mother that woman had A LOT OF NERVE. You should have asked her if she had always been that short. Client or no, there are lines they should not cross and that was one of them! Give me her address :) Mama bear coming out! Rebecca, not sure Stacy needs the hormone excuse to tell it like it is, she is like her Mom, she already does. Remind me not to give you advise (oops, may have messed up already). Mom

Buford Betty said...

omg hilarious. hahahhaha.... You crack me up! I'm sure you are a total hot momma. And I'm pretty sure we need some belly pics!!!

Preppy Pink Crocodile said...

You have me laughing out loud- too funny! I hear you on the boob issue. I totally need new bras but I stall as long as possible because it is the thing I hate to shop for. I'm sorry but when your bra size looks like initials or a damn monogram, I feel lucky if they have a bra in 3 shades of neutral. No pink or flowers or cute stuff in my drawer. Ugh!!

Stacy said...

Exactly! All my bras are white, black, or tan....very sexy stuff.
:(